When I was thirteen years old, I took a class in Chinese language. One day, my teacher, Mr. Dao, explained the meaning of our names to us. He explained that some Vietnamese words have their root in Chinese. When I asked about my name, he said that it meant a blinking eye. I was not happy after hearing that. I searched in a Chinese-Vietnamese dictionary and found another meaning for my name: a perfumed herb. It was not a big deal, the meaning of my name. I was rather disappointed. When I said to my father that my name did not have a good meaning, and it meant only a blinking eye or a small herb, he became very angry and did not say anything to me -- I was not tactful at that time, I should ask my father about the meaning of my name first, but now it is too late. One year later, when I learned more about history and literature, I knew that in ancient China, there was a very good king who had the same name as mine. Inside myself, I guessed that my father was thinking of that king when he gave me my name. Perhaps he wanted me to be as good and successful as that king. I realized that I must be grateful towards him instead of making him angry with my unpolished words. Now, when I rethink about my childhood, I am very thankful for my parents. They did not look at me as a girl or counsel me to learn ways to get a good husband, such as to be nice, fashionable. They never encouraged us to get married. On the contrary, my father always advised us all to advance our education as far as possible, and find a good job, regardless of our genders. He was very happy when I brought my good grades to show him.
When I was a teenager, I was not very happy with my name. My classmates had more beautiful names than mine, such as Golden Lily, or Jaded Butterfly. Their names also sounded more feminine. I did not have a beautiful and feminine name, and I did not have a beautiful and feminine body; I was too thin, like a skinny boy. One day in 1963, when I walked on Gia Long street in Saigon city, I had a short haircut and I wore a pair of pants and a shirt. After I passed by two men standing in front of a shop, I overheard them talking behind my back; "is that a boy?", "no, that's a girl!". However, I was very romantic; being a teenager, I read a lot of romances. Vietnamese romances often had sad endings. The women were unhappy in these stories. Together with the fact that I did not have a feminine name and body, and the fact that women seemed to have bad luck in our society, I wanted to be as free and independent as a man. I wanted to travel, to learn about many things, and not to get married. In fact, I got married very late in my life, when I was 29 years old, I went to study in France, came back to Vietnam, finished my BS degree in Physics, and practiced Aikido, a Martial Art, for two years. I think my name had some impact on my life because it is a man's name, and I often did things that more men do than women.
If I could make a choice about my name, the name I chose would depend on the period of time during my life. When I was young, I wanted to have a flower's name. When I grew up, I did not want my name to be a flower anymore: A flower seemed to be weak, submissive, and not durable. I did not choose another name for myself since I knew that I would never change my name, because of my respect for my father. Now, I think that my name is fine. It has been with me for so long, and although my life has gone through many ups and downs, I always considered myself lucky, so my name must have brought me good luck. I think that I will never trade it for another name. Vietnamese people still seemed to be startled when they first hear my name, or when they pronounce it, because they cannot match a man's name to a woman's face. They also often change the accent on my name to make it sound more feminine: With another accent, my name would mean "gentle", "peaceful" or "harmony". However, it pleases me to see the startling effect in their eyes when they have to say my true name. That flatters me, makes me feel special, and changes the monotony of my daily routine. I often smile to comfort them, after I see that light in their eyes, and I think that it is fun, because my name causes them surprised.
These are the positive facts about my name. People who read this paper might think that I am very strong, joyful, and successful. However, there is also another facet to my name and my personality. As I said before, I was sometimes very romantic and a dreamer. I like the color blue, which means hope and dreams to me. When I lie in my bed before going to sleep, I often think of a blue sky above and a green grass under me. The animal I like the most is a deer, and my favorite painting would be a deer eating some leaves near a stream in Autumn. I love the singing of birds, and I am very happy to hear the sounds of the nature, such as the rain, the wind, and the thunder. I like flowers, many flowers, of all colors and all perfumes. I like plants, animals, and people. Although I like many things, people say that I am a little shy, and receptive. I think that it is the "perfumed herb" side in my name that surfaces. Although I practiced Aikido, I am not of a sportive type, because I am rather lazy. I mostly do only what is required of me, and not much more. If people need a helping hand, I would make an effort to give my hand, because it is hard for me to refuse somebody. I don't like to see people disappointed. However, I don't often seek trouble. I do not seek out people to help, for example to participate in humanitarian organizations. (I have no proud about this, and the reason is I prefer to take an easy road, if possible). My house is often a mess, because I clean it up only on weekends. I hide myself from loud noise, and I am very sensitive to loud or rude people. I am easily hurt, but I am also easily healed, because I am optimistic and want only to look at the positive side of all things, and force my mind to do so. I like harmony and agreement between people, and I like to live among friendly, bright, peaceful and happy people, because I can feel what other people feel; so people also are not wrong when they call me with another accent, other than my true name, and change its meaning to "peaceful", "harmony" or "gentle". Maybe they have insight within themself, and prefer to call me the way that they feel fits me the most.
My brother's friend, who knew well about facial expressions and characters, one day told me, "you are very influenced by people around you. You are mostly gentle with gentle people, but when people are wicked towards you, you would be more wicked than they." I do not know if what he said was true or not. I only know that I always try to be nice and good to people, but if I see someone doing wrong to me, I would tell them off, and argue with them till the end. I don't know if that is wickedness or not, or if it is only my way to establish equilibrium and justice in my life. If I can connect this fact to my name, I might say that I am a "herb" when left alone, or when people are gentle to me, but a "king" when I get provoked.
I think my name has really shaped my character. It made me feel like a boy, a man, a peaceful herb in a deserted forest, a floating perfume, flying high up to the top of the trees like a bird, and it gave me a sense of security and confidence about myself, like a king. I am gentle, peaceful and I like harmony. I feel all these characteristics fit me, and I am pleased and in peace with myself and with my name.