Was That Love?

It seemed to me that I was a very lucky girl. The things that people dreamed of, I had them all. I felt that I was the happiest among the happy people in this world.

Since the time I understood things around me, I had always been satified with my happiness. I swam in the love of my parents, my brother and sister, my teachers and my friends. Every hour, every minute, every second in my life was full of joy. Of course, sometimes I had insignificant sadness, but the joyful moments were a lot more; they were so many that I couldn’t remember them all.

I remember once my friend Trang, copying the sentence of the poet Cao Ba Quat, complained about me:
-- The world has four baskets of happiness, but you already have two of them, and all other people have only two left to share evenly among themselves.

I felt that perhaps she was telling the truth, but I still objected:
-- You talk nonsense. If God hears that ... and takes it back from me, then what can I do now?
-- Didn’t I say the truth? Your parents love you. Your older brother Thang also took good care of you. And all the teachers like you so much. And I even did not count so many other people .. love you also, isn’t that correct?

Upon hearing that, my face became all red, and I hurried to give her a pinch so painful that she shouted:
-- Aye! Why did you pinch me?
-- That’s your fault. Why did you fabricate more things to tease me.
-- Stop pretending, my young lady. Did I say something wrong? Yes, not some tens of dozens, then hundreds, thousands of dozens, right? Aye! Stop pinching me! It’s so painful!

She stopped talking and run away in yelling at me, since I was using a "congfu" procedure named "Cuu Am Bach Cot Trao" to pince her incessantly. Of course, what she said was not very far from the truth. Since the day I began to study in high school, I already knew that I was beautiful, and thus there were many passionate souls waiting to see me in front of my school everyday when classes ended. Although I knew that, every time when Trang mentioned it, I felt shy and had to find a way to stop her from talking. We run after each other for a while then we sat down to take our breaths and smile at each other to make peace.
-- Okay, stop playing games, I am so tired that I lost all my breathing.
--Yes, me too.
-- Why did you begin it?
-- But that’s your fault!
-- Okay, stop arguing now. Let me tell you something.
-- What do you want to say?
-- That’s about your happiness...

Upon hearing that, my face became all red again, and I prepared my "claws" to pinch her, and that made her to become defensive, and she spoke quickly:
-- Why? did you do something bad to be ashamed of? I only wanted to say that you are very happy to have your older sister Thuy, isn’t that right? Why did you become all red?
-- Oh, because..because.

I was confused and did not know what to tell her, so I only smiled to her to hide my embarrasment. Moreover, what she said was so correct that I had nothing to say. My sister Thuy was my idol, my fairy, my counselor, and my closest friend. I loved her so much, but perhaps she still loved me more.

She is about ten years older than I am, but she looks very young and beautiful. That’s why my brother Thang once complained:
-- Going with Ms Thuy is embarassing. People always thought she was my girlfriend.

Jumping on the occasion, I teased him, to revenge for the other times he had teased me:
-- Why are you looking so old. Sister Thuy is eight years older than you are, and people already think like that. What if I go with you two, then people would think that you have a wife and a kid.. he..he..he..

Baffled, my brother Thang went away without saying a word, and I stayed on the sofa, laughing my heart off.

-oOo-

My whole class is agog with the news that we will have a new math teacher to replace Mr. Hoan. Many legends have been told about this unknown teacher, and that made me feel dizzy. Finally, the math period at the beginning of the week came. Mr. Long, the new teacher, was very young, perhaps only four or five years older than we were. However, he looked very serious. The whole class seemed to work harder with him. We listened to him attentively, competing with one another to solve the difficult math problems he gave us, and we felt that the math period was very short.

Once, I tried to solve one of the math problems at home. It seems to be very simple at first, but then it’s very hard to solve. At that moment, my sister Thuy came home from her English class. Seeing my dull face, she came and took a look at the subject. She thought a little bit then said to me:

-- Why don’t you draw a line from this point, perpendicular to this line, then use the theorem about same shape triangles to prove it. It’s easier that way...

I was so happy that I said, jumping to hug her:

-- Of course, why didn’t I think about that? You are so smart!

Sister Thuy smiled, tapped on my head, and went to the room inside, to her sewing machine. Suddenly I felt full of love and gratitute for my sister. Everyday, when she came home from work, she still assembled clothes to get some more money to help my parents, to bring us up. And that’s also the reason why I had my nice clothings to show off to my friends.

My friend Trang one day asked me why my sister, though so beautiful, did not get married and also had no boyfriend, although she had a lot of admirers. I didn’t know what to tell her, so I asked my mother. That day, I was picking my mother’s white hairs, while I asked her about my sister. My mom told me:

-- When Thuy was of your age, she was very beautiful ...

-- She is still beautiful now. Much more beautiful than I am.

– Yes, your sister Thuy is always the most beautiful, all right?

After teasing me, she continued:

-- Your sister is still beautiful, but not as much as before. So many people wanted to marry her, but she did not accept anybody. Your father and I did not force her to get married, leaving her to decide for herself...

-- Ah, I remember that now. During that time, we had so many visitors, right? They gave me lots of gifts and cookies...

-- Exactly, honey. You were very small then. But, let me continue, and don’t cut me off. Your sister was studying Pharmacy during that time, then she knew Quan, the tall guy who wore glasses, do you remember him?

-- Yes, I remember a little bit about him, then what else, mom?

-- Yes, your sister Thuy loved Quan. Both families planned to celebrate their wedding after they graduated from the university. But the war became more violent. Quan volunteered to the army. Thuy waited for him until we lost the South. He then had to go to reeducation camps, until now. Your sister always said that she has to help us to raise you to refuse other people’s proposals. However, your dad and I understand that she wants to wait for Quan. What can we do? Each person has her own destiny. We can’t force her ...

After hearing my mother telling the story, I even love my sister Thuy more. Her loyalty is very admirable. I wished Quan to be safe and return soon to my sister Thuy. I stayed very late that night. Partly it’s because I empathized so much with their love, partly because the math problem is still so hard to solve. I filled up all my scratch papers. The sound of sister Thuy’s sewing machine was like reminding me to study hard. Time passed slowly. I startled when sister Thuy’s hand layed on my shoulder. She asked me:
-- Why do you stay so late?
I smiled at her, then hug her, whispering:
-- I love you so much, my sister, do you know that?

She smiled, touched my forehead with her finger, then said:

-- Is this for me to help you with your math problem again?

I wanted to explain to her that I was moved and felt loving her more after I heard her story by my mother, but I did not know how to begin, so I stayed quiet and leaned my head against her lap, letting her to misunderstand me. Sister Thuy was a little surprised, but she hug me for a little while, then gently told me:

-- It’s late now, go to bed and let me do it for you. Tomorrow you will see the solution. Sleep well, my dear...

The next day, I was very proud to show my class the unique solution of the whole class. Mr. Long seemed to be surprised and very interested. When I finished writing the solution on the board, he took my paper, written by sister Thuy, and unintentionally put it in his book. I wanted to ask him back the paper, but I hesitated and quietly went back to my seat. I didn’t care about my friends’ praises, since I only wanted to get the approval from Mr. Long. Was that love? I thought about that and became a little confused with that passing idea.

That afternoon, when passing by my seat, Mr. Long told me that he would visit me the next day, after class. I answered him with a small "Yes" then followed Trang out to the schoolyard. Trang was perplexed and asked me a lot of questions, since she saw that my mind was wandering somewhere else. In the evening, after dinner, I went in and out and did not know how to begin to tell the story. Luckily sister Thuy guessed that there was something in my mind, so she asked me first. I slowly told her what happened at school and asked her, worrying:

-- What should I do, sister Thuy?
My sister Thuy laughed:
-- Why are you worrying, honey? When a guest comes, we just invite him to sit, bring tea for him to drink, and talk to him. It’s so easy, and there is nothing to worry about.
– But, what am I going to talk to him? And... and...
– Don’t worry, I will tell Mom and Dad about this for you. Everything will be all right. Worrying too much will make you ugly, my dear.

The next day, when school ended, I rode my bike home quickly. After lunch, my parents went to their room for a nap, brother Thang went to his friend’s to study, and sister Thuy went somewhere. The house was very quiet, and there was only me, going around to tidy the house a bit. I suddenly felt fluttering, and my face was all hot, as if I was doing something secret – very strange indeed. Time passed slowly, and I went out and in a lot, without knowing what to do to take control of my feelings. At last, while I tried to rearrange the book pile to make it look better, I made the whole pile of sister Thuy’s books fall down on the floor. I hurried to pick them up. By accident, I read some verses in an open notebook on the floor. Ah, this is sister Thuy’s gentle and nice writing. Surprised and curious, I brought that notebook to the living room to read. Ah, those are sister Thuy’s poems, I softly acclaimed. The poems are so well written and nice. I had never known that she had such a soul of a poet. While I was concentrating on the poems, a knock on the door made me look up and say out:

-- Ah, Mr. Long ...

I hurried to open the door for him, and perplexed, I did not know what to say.

Luckily, he sat down on a chair with ease, and teased me:

-- Why is my math technician so quiet today? She forgot to learn her lesson or what?

Diffidently, I smiled and told him quickly before running to the kitchen:

-- Let me bring you some tea. Please wait for me just one minute.

After pouring the tea into a cup, I stood still a little bit to take control of myself, before bringing the tea to the living room:

 

-- Here is your tea...

 

I suddenly stop talking when I saw that Mr. Long was holding my sister Thuy’s poem notebook and reading it very attentively. Upon hearing my voice, he turned his head up and said:

-- You also like to write poems? These poems are very nice and well written.
– No, this is my sister Thuy’s poem book. But, if you see her, please do not mention this, since I read her poems without her permission.
– Ah, my dear student is also very curious, invading someone else’s private life.
– Oh, no, It’s because I accidentally dropped it and picked it back, so I read it, just like ... you.

Mr. Long laughed heartily when hearing my reasoning:

-- Okay, you win, I can’t argue against you. Today I am visiting a friend of mine who lives nearby, so I visit you to see how you are studying, to be so good at solving math problems.

I timidly smiled and sat still, not venturing to look at his eyes. Ordinary, I was very talkative, but I didn’t know why today it was as if my tongue had hardened, and I couldn’t use it to say anything. Perhaps Mr. Long noticed my embarrassment, so he said:
-- I have something to do now. I will come back to visit you and bring you some math books. You can spend time to solve math problems until you get a headache. You can buy some Aspirin bottles in advance, just in case..

I only shyly smiled and accompanied him to the door.

That evening, I lost my sleep because I thought of several things. My heart beat quickly every time I thought of Mr. Long. Did I ... fall in love with him?

One night, when my family finished dinner, Mr. Long came to visit us. My parents talked to him a little while, then they went to their room to rest. Only I, brother Thang, and Mr. Long sat talking in the living room. Many interesting stories were told, to make us laugh, mingling with heated discussions on anecdotes about famous mathematicians' lives, and actualities about politics, literature and social issues. A moment later, my brother Thang’s friend came to pick him up for a rehearsal, leaving me alone with Mr. Long. In truth, I only stayed there, watching Mr. Long talking, more than I talked to him. I sat there, attentively following the stories he told, feeling his warm voice to envelop me. Suddenly the door opened. I startled, looked up, and run to the door to greet my sister Thuy:

-- Ah, sister Thuy. Why do you come home so late today? Are you hungry? What’s inside this big bag? Let me carry it for you ...
– Why, you ask so many questions at the same time, so how can I answer you, babe? Ah, these are some rolls of wool I bring home to knitt, Vy. I prefer knitting than sewing, because it makes too much noise during the night and annoys our neighbors. Knitting can be done any time. It’s almost new year now, we need more money to buy nice clothes for Vy...
– Oh, no. If you stay too late to knitt, you will get sick. You can’t do that, sister Thuy ...
– Tsh, tsh, today my small sister wants to give me order, right?
We both talked to each other, forgetting the presence of Mr. Long. Until I heard the voice of Mr. Long clearing his throat, I remembered about him and introduced him and my sister to each other. Sister Thuy nodded to him and prepared to go inside, but I kept her back to have someone sitting with me, so that I that I could feel more comfortable in front of Mr. Long. The two of us pulled about a little, then she did as I wanted and sat down. During that evening, Mr. Long told us many stories. His warm and passionate voice lulled me into a dream, but fortunately sister Thuy was there to help me keeping control of my feelings.

After that evening, Mr. Long came back to visit us many times. I felt less shy and could talk with a more natural voice. Sometimes, I even participated passionately in discussions, and that surprised Mr. Long. I talked a lot, and I told him so many of my vague dreams. However, there was something that I care about, but I did not tell him. Perhaps I wouldn’t be able to formulate it, and therefore, he never knew about it. Only sister Thuy understood that I already loved Mr. Long, and consequently, she often did for me all the chores I had to do, so that I could have more time to talk to Mr. Long. Each passing day made my love for him growing. The sweetness and the bitterness of love made me feel giddy, and my study became deficient quite a bit. Luckily I had my sister Thuy, my fairy, and she always took good care of me, helped me, so the situation was not too bad. I felt thankful to her delicacy so much.

 

-oOo-

Time passed so quickly. Many things happened at the same time and they confused me, as if I was dreaming. Mr. Long went to Ha Noi for a training session. Mr. Quan came back, to reunite with my sister Thuy. How could I describe that moment of joy and mournful at the same time. After many years of hardship, Quan had become skinny and experienced, but his old tall shaped body with his unsubmissive air was still there. Only his hair had changed color. The wedding of Quan and my sister Thuy was celebrated, simple but not without solemnity, with the presences of the relatives on both sides, and a number of close friends. Afterward, near the end of the year, Quan and Thuy fled away from the country by boat. In the evening before her departure, I stayed very late talking to my sister, until I was so tired and fell asleep. When I woke up, my sister Thuy had already gone, but next to my pillow was her gift for me, with some lines from her, written in a hurry:
"My beloved sister Vy, you are sleeping so I don’t want to wake you up. I hope that you are pleased with this yellow dress and this white wool cardigan that you have wanted for so long. I have to go in a hurry, so I don’t have time to buy many more things for you. I wish that our family will be reunited very soon. I wish that you will be happy with Mr. Long. I always love you, babe. Your sister Vy-Thuy.

Every time when I reread her scribled lines, I wanted to cry. "I miss you so much, my dear Thuy". My nostalgia of her made my tears come to my eyes. Unconsciously, I pressed the pillow with her hair’s perfume into my heart, and it seemed to me that she was recomforting me. I let my mind wandering back to the sweet days living with her, forgetting about the present. Suddenly I heard the brake of someone’s motorbike in front of my house. I was so happy to see Mr. Long. However, I only said softly:

-- Mr. Long, please come in...

Mr. Long seemed to be very happy. His face was bright, with his two glistening eyes, which seems to conceal a smile. Looking at him, I wondered: "Is he happy because he meets me again?" This question sprung in my mind and made me feel hot in my cheeks. I felt ashamed of it. His warm voice called me back to the present:

-- Hello Vy, you are one year older now, a grown-up person, so do you still want to receive "new year money"?

Knowing nothing to say, I only gave him a protesting glance. Mr. Long smiled at me, and suddenly he asked:

-- Is your sister Thuy home?

Surprised, I did not understand why he asked about sister Thuy, but I still answered him:

-- My sister Thuy is not home, she ...

I still did not know if I should tell him about the changes in my family, but he already gave me a packet and spoke quickly before going away:

-- Okay, there is nothing very important. You only need to give this gift of mine to sister Thuy, and she will understand when she sees it. I will come back to visit you later. Bye, Vy.

-- Oh, Mr. Long ... Mr. Long...

I called him, but he already rode away, impassively. Perhaps the noise of the motor suppressed my voice or perhaps he was too happy to hear it. Standing there, I followed him with my eyes until he disappeared, then I turned back inside the house, thinking, "sister Thuy is no more here to take the gift your give her, Mr. Long". I kept it a little while, then unable to fight against my curiosity, I opened the packet to see what Mr. Long wanted to give to my sister. My eyes were dazzled when I saw his flowery handwriting at the corner of the picture of sister Thuy that he drew for her, "To Vy Thuy, with love. Vu Long".

A small piece of paper dropped, and I can only read vaguely, through my tears, "... this picture takes the place of the declaration of my love, and I hope that you would accept it..."

The world crumbled around me, and I fell on my pillow, sobbing quietly.

 

Tu+' Die^~m - November 1, 1992